Mephibosheth's Nurse: Forgive Myself

Jonathan son of Saul had a son who was lame in both feet. He was five years old when the news about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she hurried to leave, he fell and became disabled. His name was Mephibosheth. (2. Samuel 4:4)

I will hate myself forever.
I will carry this guilt
for as long as I live.
Maybe you can forgive me,
but God, it's hard
to forgive myself.

They trusted me -
a trust that I shattered
with his poor little bones.
Responsibility
weighs me down like gravity
that pulled him to the ground.
How I wish
those seconds could have slowed
where he slipped from my hands.
Maybe they can forgive me
but God, it's hard
to forgive myself.

It was an accident,
they will say.
I did my best,
they will say.
Better that I ran,
ran for our lives,
ran for his life
and dropped him,
better he live on like this,
better crippled than dead.
Maybe they can forgive me
but God, it's hard
to forgive myself.

They say that I saved him -
I see that I ruined his life forever.
What if some nights
the thought crossed his mind
that he'd rather be dead?
Maybe he can forgive me
but God, it's hard
to forgive myself.

God, help me
to forgive myself.

_____________________________________________

[1. May 2021]

Mephibosheth was a son of Jonathan, son of Saul the first king of Israel. After Saul was defeated by the Philistines, Mephibosheth's nurse fled with him - and dropped him. This had lifelong consequences for him.

What a thing for the poor nurse to be living with! I'm hard enough on myself when I make a mistake with my own child - with someone else's child (the king's son's child!) you have the added burden of others having entrusted their child to you. Ican't imagine the burden the nurse will have carried with her. Even though she saved him and the accident happened in the act of saving him, sometimes our failures impress us more strongly than our successes. Sometimes we are the ones who are hardest on ourselves.

So I made this about the inability to forgive oneself even when forgiveness is there, even when we are not actually at fault.

Picture: Wilhelm Amberg