Elinor

"I have suffered all the punishment of an attachment without enjoying any of the advantages."

Maybe if I loved you less
it would not hurt me so.
If I could blame you,
be angry with you,
forget about you,
maybe it would be easier.
But I cannot stop
loving you
although you're hurting me.

I have been bleeding
for months
but I never let it show.
I have been bottling up my tears,
locking my pain safely away;
I have been hurting in a hidden place,
so many nights, so many days.

I have had to hear others,
their stories of love,
their stories of pain,
never able to share my own.
I have had to hold others,
dry their tears,
comfort them -
with never a comfort for me.
I have been bleeding
and no one saw my wounds -
I never let it show.

Maybe if I loved you less
it would not hurt me so.
But I cannot stop
loving you
although you're hurting me.

________________________________________

[January 2013]

This is about Elinor from Sense and Sensibility - in particular about how Edward left her hanging for a very long time and, unable to speak about her feelings with others, she had to wait and endure other people's hints and speculations, all the time unsure what he really wanted. The worst was finding out that Edward was already secretly engaged to someone else - and not being able to talk about it to anyone.

Picture by Chris Hammond