Widow Of Seven Husbands: On The Other Side

 Matthew 22:23-33

On the other side
will I see them again?
What a reunion
with all my seven men.
Awkward,
I imagine.
Do I really want
to meet all of them again?

On the other side
whose will I be?
Can there be fights
Over There?
And if not: how else
will we solve it?
Whose
do I really want to be?

On the other side
what will we do?
Won't they expect me
to serve them as I did,
housework and cooking
and childcare and sex
for ever and ever?
What do I want to do?

On the other side
I think I'd like to be free.
To do what I want.
To belong just to me.
On the other side
I'd like no more pain,
no more loss, no more grief,
no more conflict or shame.

You say
on the other side
He'll call me by my name,
no longer wife of a man,
mother of a son,
daughter or sister
but me.
You say
on the other side
all I need to know
is I am His,
and He wants to be mine.
You say
on the other side
all will be new
and all will be changed.

The other side
is still shrouded in mystery
but I am not afraid
because Love is there.
And Love will take me by the hand
across
into the mist,
and I will trust
all shall be well
on the other side
with You.

____________________________________________

[27. Jun2 2023]

The Sadducees try to trick Jesus with a question. They don't believe in the resurrection, so they try to show how ridiculous the idea is by telling the story of a hypothetical woman who got married 7 times (through the custom of levirate marriage). Who will be her husband after the resurrection?

Jesus' answer is that they have a completely wrong idea of what resurrection / "life after death" mesans. What they are rejecting is not actually that which Jesus means when he speaks of eternal life. Eternal life does not mean living on just as we do now. It will be completely different, marriage won't be a thing anymore. And while writing from the woman's perspective I considered what that would mean for her (a woman experiencing marriage in a patriarchal setting and 7 times not being allowed to choose who she wanted to spend her life with!).

To what extent do we still view "life after death" the way the Sadducees do, as an "extension" of life on earth, which (sometimes problematic) things from our human cultures "carried on" to eternity? The things we know and are comfortable with now are not good for everyone. God has promised us a new creation where there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more grief - and for that to happen, some things that we take for granted now must fall away. And that's not comfortable, because that makes it way harder to picture what it will be like.

Jesus does not tell us what happens to the wife of the seven husbands - he does not give a concrete picture of eternal life in this conversation with the Sadducees. All he says is: there is a resurrection of the dead because God is a God of the living, not the dead. Through the love of God, God choosing us, God taking us by the hand, we can have eternal life. That is all we need to know: that God is there, that God's relationship with us is what will "carry us across". Which also means: if we get to know and love God now, then the unknown won't have to be so scary. Because we won't have to go into it alone. And it's not completely unknown anymore, because we have someone we know there: God.

Picture: Alphonse Osbert

Nursing Mother: My All For You

"But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." (1. Thess 2:7-8)

I am no longer my own.
This is my body,
given for you,
for that pink, hungry mouth,
rooting for food,
for those sticky, clutching hands,
grasping for calm,
for that small, helpless body,
looking for home.

I am no longer my own.
I give myself to you,
my own body becoming food,
my whole self a haven
where you learn how to trust,
my life your first parable
of a greater Love.

I am no longer my own.
Little hands pulling me,
little feet following me,
loud cries calling me,
demanding my time,
my presence,
my body.
This my living sacrifice,
denying myself
for you.

I am no longer my own.
I must look after myself
if I want to care for you,
I can't give what I don't have:
I need water, rest and food,
love, peace and calm
to share with you.

I am no longer my own.
Let us go this road together
as long as you need me this way.
Let me watch as you grow
and your needs change.
Let me see with joy that day
when you walk on your own feet.
Until then I will be here
my all for you.

__________________________________

[24. June 2023]

Saw this verse shared on Instagram yesterday and knew I had to write about it (again: not a woman from the list 🤦‍♀️🤣). Paul uses breastfeeding as an image for ministry. 

It's a tricky image! Because it can be misunderstood as just selflessly giving all the time. Yes, selfless giving is part of it. Emulating Jesus who gave his life for all of us ("This is my body.."). As long as your child is a dependent baby, you really have to reapond to every squeak. But a child grows and their needs develop. So also the people we serve and minister to. Breastfeeding does not stay the same, breastfeeding a newborn is quite different from breastfeeding a toddler, you adapt to needs and at some point you can set boundaries and communicate pretty well (my nursling is 2.5). And at some point they stop nursing altogether. Ministry adapts too in this way. 😊 

I also learnt while breastfeeding that if you're looking after a vulnerable little person you need to look after yourself too. Milk supply especially in the early days suffers if you're dehydrated or stressed. Yes, breastfeeding is very self-giving and in a sense self-denying, BUT it also teaches you a "healthy selfishness". Because without adequate self care you get difficulties caring for others. (And it's quite sad that in some countries and contexts with lack of maternity leave / support / pressures and expectations etc this care of self is made harder or blocked.)

Another thought I had is how in the nearness of mother-child / parent-child that happens in breastfeeding but also formula feeding, holding, carrying, cuddling, etc the child has a safe haven learning trust and love in a tangible way. Making something invisible (love) physically felt (much like a sacrament makes invisible realities / mysteries of God tangible). In that sense breastfeeding / holding / cuddling are a parable of parental love that the smallest baby can feel and understand, and create a basis for trust later on as the child grows up and that intense nearness of the early days starts to dissipate. I get the impression that it's because of that nearness early on that children feel confident to become independent later on. I'm sure that also says something about ministry, modelling the love of God and who Jesus is through our lives, and enabling the people we serve to build a relationship with God of their own.

Picture: 19th Century sculpture from Democratic Republic of Congo

Psalmist's Mother: My God, my God

 Psalm 22

"Yet it was you who took me from the womb; you kept me safe on my mother’s breast. On you I was cast from my birth, and since my mother bore me you have been my God. Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help." (Ps 22:9-11)

"My God, my God"
I moaned, I cried
and then he was out,
delivered.

Then there I was
swamped with feeling,
a tiny purple thing
latched to my breast
overwhelmed with love.

My child, my child,
how can I love you
how shall I protect you
from the baying dogs
and the charging bulls,
from people who will laugh
and scorn and abuse,
from death that lurks
for us all in the end
who am I
to take you by the hand
in this world where I have no control
helpless
just like you?

My God, my God,
I cast him onto you
for what else can I do?
When I am too weak
when I am too small
when one day I am gone
You will be there.
A Love even greater
than the one that's threatening
to tear my heart in two.
My God, my God
never forsake him,
do not be far from him
in his time of need.

Can a mother forget her child?
Never.
And neither can you.

___________________________

[11. June 2023]

Reading through the Psalms right now and found out Ps 22 mentions a mother and a birth scene and I was inspired.

In my daughter's first night I looked at her at one point and just had to burst into tears ober the realisation that God loves her with a love even greater than I could ever have. For me as a mother, knowing that God is there when I can't be is such a great help with so many things in motherhood and in life just not being in my control.

Ps 22 is the famous "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Psalm that Jesus quotes on the cross. Having this little scene of the mother entrusting her child to God in the middle of it for me is a reminder of how we are dependent on God from the beginning. These verses set a contrast to the negative beginning. But also emphasises again the question: Where is God now in my suffering?

The Psalm ends with the experience that God is still there and does not really turn away or abandon anyone. The lament of the first half abruptly turns into praise. God can be trusted. I wanted to make this poem less about the lament (though I picked up some elements from the Psalm) and more about the trust, and that decision to entrust one's child to God because we can't do this parenting thing alone.

Picture by Joaquin Sorolla y Bastida

Bathsheba: Butchered

TRIGGER WARNING: rape

2. Samuel 11:1-12:15

I could not say no.
I would not have said yes.
I was not asked,
and if I had been,
what could I have said?

Caught
like a deer in the hunter's sight,
should I flee?
should I fight?
maybe
if I cower before him
and fawn at his feet
do what he wants
he'll be kind to me?

(but still
in the end
he'll butcher me,
won't he)

I could not say no.
I would not have said yes.
If I had screamed,
who would have cared?
who would have dared
come to my rescue?

I could not say no.
Should I have?
I should.
Does that make me complicit?
Does that make this my sin?
Is it my fault
that it went so far
because I didn't say stop,
couldn't say no?

I could not say no.
I would not have said yes.
"Come," he said,
and sanctimoniously:
"I won't do anything you don't want"

and just like that
the burden is on me
and it's my responsibility
and I can go home with the guilt
of "maybe he didn't know better"
"maybe he misunderstood"
"maybe it's my own fault".

I could not say no.
I would not have said yes.
But who will know?
Who will care?

Now I am set before the door
to gather up the shattered pieces of my dignity
with the tattered remains of my clothes
butchered
bearing the shame
questioning myself
while he rests free and easy
certain he's not to blame
because I couldn't say no

but
I did not say yes.

__________________________________________________________

[11. February 2023]

Growing up I always learnt David "had an affair", or the even worse version: "Bathsheba seduced David" (by "bathing on the roof"). It was only more recently, during my theological studies, that I discovered this is actually a story of rape. And there are still Christians who will fight against this interpretation and insist Bathsheba was somehow at fault! I feel like how we handle this story has a lot in common with how abuse and rape are still handled in the wider culture and by Christians.

Here in Switzerland at the moment feminists are fighting for the legal definition of rape to be changed so that "only yes means yes". At the moment, it's only rape if you said no, pretty much. But what if you can't say no?

Recently I have been thinking about the complexities of consent (partly because of this initiative in Swiss politics, partly from watching "Anatomy of a Scandal" which handles this question). And really it should not be so hard. But the way stories like Bathsheba's are still handled shows that society has not learnt at all yet. As long as we still say things like "she could have said no", "why didn't she call for help", "what was she wearing", etc, there's still something very wrong in society. This kind of mentality endangers women.

The Bible is really, really clear on Bathsheba's story though. The prophet Nathan in 1. Sam 12 gives a very clear explanation of how the incident should be understood, in his story of the rich man slaughtering the poor man's lamb. The Bible itself compares Bathsheba to a lamb being slaughtered, a sacrifice to David's lust. There is no way a sheep can be complicit in its butchering. I feel like we have spent so much energy trying to make David a "good guy" because there's this half verse somewhere about David being a "man after God's own heart" - instead of just honestly reading the Bible and letting the Bible speak for itself. The Bible is on Bathsheba's side, God is on Bathsheba's side. Bathsheba was raped. And it shouldn't matter to us whether she said no or not. Because without a yes it was rape. The Bible text uses only passive verbs for Bathsheba in this story, she is all victim here.

I need to write another poem though for later in Bathsheba's life, because she rose up and became very influential in David's court, so much so that it was through her actions that her son Solomon became king after David's death despite being pretty far down in the line. She does not remain passive.

Other Bathsheba poem: O Child (about the child she lost after this)

Picture: 17th Century Anonymous

Mary: Kicks

Joy -
May I feel it?
Dare I feel it?
Can I believe it?
It feels unreal.
Is there really
a child
growing in me?
Hesitant
and a little afraid
I rejoice.

Joy
despite it all.
Despite being doubled over
heaving my soul out,
dizzy, exhausted,
feeling sick
at the mere sight  of food -
because there is really
a child
growing in me.
How comforting
how strengthening
to rejoice.

Joy
at this little bump
finally showing,
my body, changing,
prepare him room.
Now the world may know
a child
is growing in me.
Ever more clearly
ever more loudly
I rejoice.

Joy
at every flutter and kick
as they grow and get bigger,
even start to hurt.
They keep me up at night
but are the sweetest signs:
"Hello, I am here,"
a child
growing in me.
Ever more confident,
ever more certain
I rejoice.

Joy
pushing me to action,
"nesting" -
prepare the way of the Lord.
Impatient
to meet at last
this child
growing in me.
Expectantly,
excitedly
I rejoice.

Joy to the world
the Lord ist come!
Forgotten is the pain.
At last I meet you
face to face
my child
my God
my joy complete.
With heaven and earth
I rejoice.

__________________________________________________

[9. January 2023]

Me: I have only about 30 women on the list and then this project will be complete! Let's go!
Also me: *writes an umpteenth Mary poem*
🤷

Last week was the Swiss Evangelical Alliance prayer week with the theme "Joy". I was asked to do a short sermon on "Joy in Christ", the scripture provided was Luke 1:44 (baby John doing a skip in Elisabeth's womb). After a bit of writer's block I remembered I quote I had read years ago (just after my daughter's birth): "Notice the kicks of the living Christ in you." Which made me reflect on how our joy in Jesus could be a bit like the joy of a pregnant mother. (NB everyone's experience of pregnancy is different and I based this a lot on my own.) Following is a rough translation / summary of my thoughts:

1. There's the hesitant joy of finding out you are pregnant. Maybe there's still some disbelief there ("Is that really a second line?" / "Did I really miss a period or is my body playing tricks with me?"), maybe also some fear, not quite daring to be too happy yet because we know the stats about the first trimester, possibility of loss, etc. (which is why many don't announce a pregnancy before that first phase is done)

Maybe sometimes our joy in Jesus is like that: some disbelief still, uncertainty, not quite daring to rejoice yet. (Does Jesus exist? Is he really what the Bible says he is? Is God really loving? - especially if we come out of faith traditions that showed us God in a different, less loving light)
 

2. Pregnancy has its less-than-pleasant side effects. Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, I had a bunch of fainting spells and was given lovely compresson stockings to force myself into every day in the heat of summer (yay). I had to unfollow recipe pages on social media because seeing food made me feel sick. (And I think I had a comparatively easy pregnancy) But the joy in the child helps to endure this side of pregnancy and gives strength.

Life is not easy. We experience grief and suffering, that's part of being human. Being a Christian and following Jesus is also not easy in most parts of the world. But joy in Jesus can give strength to endure the sufferings of life.

3. Often the baby bump is the first visible sign from the outside. I know I could not wait for the bump to appear.

Maybe sometimes our joy in Jesus is in the visible signs of him in our lives. Seeing visible changes in how we live and how we treat others.

4. Kicks are like the first "communication". I remember for the longest time it felt completely unreal to me that I had a child in there, and despite reading everywhere to "talk with your baby" and really wanting to start building a relationship before birth already, I simply could not. It felt weird. I felt disconnected. The kicks made it more real. And kicks are not just nice and sweet. Towards the end they HURT. 

"Notice the kicks of the living Christ in you": where do we feel Jesus communicating with us? Maybe we also have a hard time connecting with him sometimes. Invisible like the baby inside. What are signs we get from Jesus that he is here? What are the signs we see in the world that show us God at work already to transform it into his kingdom of love, the signs that give us joy and hope?
 

5. I think I need to preach about nesting next Advent because I realised Advent is really just institutionalised nesting. xD I redecorated the entire house without help because it had to be done YESTERDAY. German has the lovely word "Vorfreude" (pre-joy) for anticipation. Being joyful in the waiting and expecting. That's the kind of joy you have in nesting - that also gives energy (lots of energy) despite already being half a whale. Also: towards the end I got really impatient and started doing things like exercises ("guaranteed to get labour started!!!") or eating loads of spicy food (despite heartburn... yep.) to try and "help things along".

Our joy in Jesus can be this joy of anticipation. Preparing for his second coming and this world fully becoming the kingdom of God. I believe that living the way Jesus taught us is one way to prepare and to "nest". To do our own part in spreading the Kingdom of God.
Also: can we be so crazy excited for Jesus to come back that we do weird things do "help things along" (even though that doesn't really work, in both cases, but - I mean the energy behind that)?

6. The ultimate joy is having your baby in your arms after labour and forgetting how much it hurt. I had too many happy hormones to sleep despite having missed a night. "Sleep when the baby sleeps" - not a chance at that point, you just worship baby for a while (or I did).

We will have the joy of meeting Jesus face to face. :-)

I know this is pretty much a Christmas poem with all the "Joy to the World" references and such, but because Advent and Christmas is busy time for me at work, I never got to reflect and write (and I write when the words come, instead of sitting down and deciding to write something, usually). 

Maybe the next poem will be one of the ladies I still have on my list (Eunice has been in the queue for a while..), but we'll see.

Art by the "Master of the Spes Nostra"

Daughters of Shiloh: In Your Own Eyes

 Judges 21:15-25

And we danced
in the sunshine
not a care in the world
and we sang
our God's praise
without trouble or fear
free
like our mothers
who left Egypt by His hand
free
in the shelter
of His justice and love.

But now
I am loot
to be carried away.
I am your quarry
to be hunted down.
I am prey to be caught,
a prize to be captured,
I am flesh to be used.

Oh you pious men
keeping your vows before God,
oh you righteous men
looking out for your brothers,
oh you faithful men -
you do what is right,
what is right in your own eyes -
but is it right in God's?

In God's,
whose will is shelter
in justice and love?
In God's,
who led our mothers
out of Egypt by His hand?
Would this Saviour of Slaves
have us treated like loot,
like quarry, like prey,
a prize to be captured,
flesh to be used?

You do what is right
in your own eyes
and think yourselves pious
and righteous and good
free
like your fathers
led from Egypt by His hand
but as long as your daughters
remain so enslaved,
as long as your actions
are not justice and love
your hearts will be stuck
in Egypt's land
and you'll still be slaves to sin.

Turn around, then.
Turn around and dance with me.
Dance with me
in the love of the God
who created us as equals.
Turn around to the King
whose commandment is love.
Turn around and let justice reign.
Then you and I can all be free
dancing in praise of the Saviour of Slaves,
not a care in the world,
without trouble or fear
doing right in the eyes
of God our king.

____________________________

[16. October 2022]

This story is so horrible (and this is just one part of the horror, the beginning of Judges 21 is about genocide as well as rape). At the end of the book of Judges, Israel is a mess. They just decimated the tribe of Benjamin as revenge for what happened with the Levite's concubine (awful, awful story of gang rape - the Bible really is not silent about the horrors of the human race). Anyway after the massacre the other tribes feel sorry and want to prevent the entire tribe of Benjamin dying out. However, they have vowed not to give any of their daughters as wives to the men of Benjamin. What follows is a lot of unnecessary pain and violence all to keep that vow while still helping the Benjaminites come to women.

The "daughters of Shiloh" are girls participating in a religious festival, the Israelites set up a kidnapping so that they won't have "given" the girls freely.

Like a refrain in the book of Judges, and again at the very end (Judges 21:25) is the sentence: they did what was right in their own eyes. Judges is about things going wrong. When we read about genocides and murder and gang rape and here the kidnapping and rape of hundreds of young women, it's nothing "condoned" by God. It's people making a big hash of things after having been shown by God how society can actually be different (law given on Sinai). And the tragic thing is, so often we human beings are capable of thinking we're on the right path while actually doing horrible things that are opposed to the will of God. These guys thought they were being good people doing their best to keep a vow, helping out their countrymen, etc.

Which is why I think we need to keep in connection with God, and always be open to repent and turn around. So many things were thought to be okay for the longest time, even by Christians (slavery, racism, subjugation of women). Change is hard but true salvation is not just a change of what we believe or a spiritual thing, but a change in how we live our lives and how our societies work. That's why the giving of the law,at Sinai was an important step on the way out of Egypt: Okay, you're not slaves anymore - here's how to live so you won't be slaves again! True freedom is not in having no one tell us what to do (doing what is right in our own eyes) but letting ourselves be guided to a way of living that is best for everybody.

Picture by Franz von Stuck

Jochebed: Weaning

Exodus 2:1-10

How often now

have I said "I'm done" -

when you bit me

or had a trying night.

"I can't do it anymore,"

I thought

so many times.

And yet

I'm just not ready.

Every time

you turn away your head

or would rather play,

every time you prefer

meat or rice or figs

sadness overcomes me

and fear

as I realise:

Our time is coming to an end

and soon

you'll be no longer mine.

Even this borrowed time

must come to a close

and I'll have to give you away.

No, child, no - 

stay small

stay mine

I'm not ready

I'm so done

but I'm not ready.

I'd rather hold you

wriggling and screaming

to this dry breast you no longer want

than let you go

and give you up

for good this time.

______________

[Feb / July 2022]

Jochebed, Moses' mother, put her son in a basket after it became impossible to keep him hidden in Egypt where all Hebrew boys were killed. It was her last resort to keep him safe. By a miracle, he ended up being found by the Pharaoh's daughter, who took pity and wanted to adopt him. Through the quick thinking of his sister Miriam, Jochebed got her son back through the role of wet nurse.

But then what would it have been like for Jochebed to have that time come to an end as Moses started weaning? It's likely she was allowed to nurse way past 2, it's only modern Western culture where breastfeeding less than 2 years is thought to be the "norm". But still. That time ends. Every child weans. No more wet nurse. A second goodbye.

I'm in a bunch of breastfeeding groups and have observed that weaning is a complex topic. Sometimes as a mother one just has enough and wants to wean, other times the child abruptly stops before Mama is ready. Often the end is bittersweet. I'm not there yet 😆 but have experienced odd days where my daughter showed no interest for hours and I felt oddly offended by it. 🤣 So I imagine it must have been an extremely conflicting experience for Jochebed. You can't force a toddler to nurse (hence the "wriggling and screaming"), when they're done they really are done. But to have that mean not only the end of the breastfeeding relationship but also the end of your time with your child - terrible! 

I first wrote this in German this Feb at a workshop I did in my church (I like taking Ex 2 because there are 4+ women in the story), translated it today because I'm doing another workshop and just rediscovered it among my notes. 😆 

Picture by Utamaro Kitagawa. A very "toddler nursing" picture. 🥴