"And Deborah, Rebekah’s nurse, died, and she was buried under an oak below Bethel. So it was called Allon-bacuth." (Genesis 35:8)"Keep awake and pray that you may not come into the time of trial; the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Mark 14:38)
If only
if only
if only it were easy
if only it were quick
blink of an eye
pass through a veil
cross over a threshold
and then I am there
Instead
this pain
this battle
every breath a rattle
waiting
waiting
fighting
wanting to leave
wanting to let go
but no
I can't
not yet
The flesh is willing
but the spirit is weak.
I am ready
so ready
my body is tired
exhausted
finished
done
I want peace
I want rest
I want to stop
breathing
stop
living
The flesh is willing
but the spirit is weak.
I wish
I could see them
my children
my grandchildren
growing up
and what they accomplish
I wish
I could say
so many things
but my lips are dry and cracked
and where has my voice gone
I wish
I could forgive
I wish
I could be forgiven
instead I wait
and breathe
and fight
The flesh is willing
but the spirit is weak.
The flesh is ready
this body wants to go
but no
my spirit
clings on
with iron might
to all my loves
and all my hopes
and all my pain
if only
if only
I could just let go
The flesh is willing
but the spirit is weak.
Maybe that is why
we say
Into your hand, O Lord
I was a midwife in life
will you be
my midwife in death
and help me
cross that threshhold
pass through that veil
let go at last
and find rest and peace?
"Into your hand
I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me,
O Lord, faithful God."
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[7. June 2020]
The only thing we hear about Rebecca's nurse (a different Deborah from this more famous one) is about her death - so I decided to write about dying from her perspective.
I'm a hospice chaplain part-time so this was somewhat inspired by experiences and conversations I have had in the hospice with the dying. The other week I got the sentence in my head "The flesh is willing / but the spirit is weak" - a turning-around of what Jesus said in Gethsemane. Because sometimes the body is just so ready to go but you're not able to let go yet.
Art by Claude Monet.
