When Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children,
she envied her sister; and she said to Jacob,
“Give me children, or I shall die!” (Genesis 30:1)
Give me children or I die -
die of yearning
after waiting all this time.
All my life
it was all I ever wanted,
taken for granted -
I never thought
it would be this hard,
never dreamed I might become
one of Those
whose arms stay empty
all their lives.
Give me children or I die -
die of envy,
surrounded by others,
my maid, my sister,
who become pregnant
if you but cough at them.
Why not I?
Don't I deserve
something good as well?
Why does she have four,
and I not even one?
Is that fair?
Give me children or I die -
die of frustration
at the remarks and the comments,
the stupid questions,
the useless suggestions,
unwanted advice.
"Your clock is ticking."
Believe me, I know.
"You gained weight -
could you be -" NO.
Don't people see
how much it's hurting me?
Give me children or I die -
die alone and destitute,
some day,
as yet far away,
but that day will come.
That day without a husband
and no son to support me,
no value to society,
just the poor barren woman
with no family to care.
If you loved me
wouldn't you provide?
Give me children or I die.
Yes, I wish it was in our control.
I wish I could blame,
I wish I could explain,
I wish there were
some four-step recipe,
one-size-fits-all solution.
I wish it really were
in your power
and cajoling you enough
could grant me my wish.
Instead, I go on,
month after month,
repeating my cry:
Give me children
or I die.
_____________________________________________________________________
[14. December 2019]
I have always found this proclamation of Rachel's intriguing. Even though I've written a poem for her already (here), I decided to write another one. :-)
Rachel desperately wanted children. She ended up having two (Joseph and Benjamin), but it was a long struggle getting there - and ironically, she ended up dying in childbirth. There are many reasons to want a child so desperately. In ancient times, children played an important social role, kind of like an "insurance" for old age. Childless women were at risk of ending up alone and poor if they were widowed.
I used to think the whole "childbearing contest" and Rachel's tantrum ("I shall die") were rather childish. In the meantime, though, I have come to know people who struggled similarly. We all need more compassion for people who have experiences different from our own. The Bible is one place where we can start, by reading about people who are different from us. I think sometimes we all too easily read the Bible with a "judging" eye already, trying to figure out which are the examples we're supposed to copy and which are those we should avoid. But the people we read about in the Bible are first and foremost people - and I think all of them have a bit of both in them, like all of us too. It helps me feel less alone when I find stories I can relate to. But I think it can also teach us compassion when we read stories we can't really relate to. That's part of why I write these poems. What happens when we try to put ourselves into these women's shoes just for a moment, and imagine what they feel, what they might want to tell us?
Art: William Adolphe Bouguereau
