Lot's Wife: I Turn Around

Genesis 19:1-29 | Luke 14:25-33

"No one who puts a hand to the plough and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:62)

It was easy
when all was fine
and I did not have to choose
between you
and all my other loves.
It was easy
to follow you
when I could have the rest as well.

But now
with the choice before me
I see it was never
easy at all.

And in one moment
I think back
and think of the cost
and what I have to leave.
Family, possessions, home,
all I have known,
all I have loved.
And I think of the things
you want me to let go.

Can I let go
and trust in you -
give it all away
believing
that you return it all
more than a hundredfold?

No.
It is too much.
It is too hard.
I can't give it to you.
Or: I don't want to.

Now that it comes to it
I don't think
I want to give it up at all -
and so
          I
            turn
                    around.

_________________________________________________________________

[March 2012]

Counting the cost...

I tried in this poem to portray Lot's wife as one person who has the chance, who knows about God and stands before the choice of following Him - and in the end decides it's too much, and she doesn't want to give up all the other things of life.

Following Jesus can be costly - it means a change of priorities, a change of allegiance, God now ruling our lives, and that can mean giving up on things we love. So it's something we need to be serious about. God gives us grace, but it's not a cheap grace! In the end, though, it's worth it - it is better to lose out now, and suffer the consequences of following Jesus, than suffer the consequences of not following Him. He wants to save us, and He knows what is good for us - like God led Lot's family out of Sodom in order to rescue them, when He calls us to follow Him it is in order to save us.

Why did Lot's wife turn back? Isn't it in some way understandable - all the things she knew and grew up with behind her, and no chance for a last good-bye? It seems a bit harsh what happened to her. But was her changing into a pillar of salt God's punishment, or the consequences (e.g. of not running away quickly enough from the effects of the "fire and brimstone") He was trying to save her from when He forbade her to turn around?

Obedience to God can be costly... but when He asks us to do difficult things, painful things, it is for our good (even if we might not see it at first), and the benefits outweigh the loss.

Picture by Gustave Doré

Lydia: The Wall

Acts 16:11-15



"There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:28)

I used to live behind a wall,
a barrier separating me
from Those Out There,
and them from me,
tall and wide,
unbreakable.

Some bricks were laid
by society,
some by religion
or family,
some laid by others,
some by myself,
and so the wall grew.

Some bricks were pretty,
others I hated,
some made me feel safe,
others, imprisoned.
Some I wished I could break away -
others I never wanted to,
and so the wall stood,
my friend and my foe,
separating me
from Those Out There,
and them from me.

There it stood,
separating
Gentile and Jew,
woman and man,
Greek and foreigner,
slave and free,
rich and poor -
my neighbour and me,

and sometimes
I felt safe
because of the Wall -
sometimes
lonely.

Until,
o Lord,
you broke it down.

Down it fell
as men took women seriously -
this woman -
me.
Down it fell
as Jews entered a Gentile home -
my home -
to eat.
Down it fell
as you gave me
a new life,
a new perspective.

Let me live
a life without walls
in your House without locks
where all may come in.
Let me invite,
not push away,
and share your hospitality.
You broke down the wall
between Heaven and Earth -
you break down all walls
separating me
from Those Out There,
and them from me,
that we may live
the Kingdom of God
where all are welcome
and all are free.

_______________________________________________________

[27. July 2014]

As I read Lydia's story, I realised Paul and his team were breaking two taboos and overcoming two cultural-religious barriers:

•  They shared the Gospel with a group of women - they took the women seriously, which was not so usual in those days, by speaking to them as equals who are also entitled to an opinion and to hearing the good news of Jesus.
• They went to Lydia's house to eat there, even though Lydia was a Gentile (i.e. not a Jew). Jews did not eat in Gentiles' houses because it was deemed as "unclean". Even though she was a "worshipper of God" (a Gentile interested in Judaism and believing in the God of the Bible) she did not count as a Jew (there are practical steps of conversion first) and so that may have gotten her different treatment, and exclusion in some things (e.g. Gentiles were prohibited from entering the Temple in Jerusalem, on pain of death).

In many ways I believe the Gospel is about breaking down barriers. Sin causes barriers between us and God, and us and other people. We excuse many of these barriers by saying it's our culture, or bringing up religious reasons, or saying it's for security. So different from the first human beings, Adam and Eve, who had absolutely no barriers between them, being "naked but not ashamed" (Gen 2:25). When Jesus takes away our sin and renews our hearts, I believe He wants to take away those barriers as well: cultural barriers, barriers between locals and foreigners, barriers between generations, barriers between women and men.

What that means in practice is: we should no longer distrust or hate or look down on others. We should accept others because Christ accepted us - welcome them, allow them a space in this world and in our hearts. In my country, some people are afraid of foreigners and want to keep them out - I believe we need to drop that fear and reach out to foreigners instead, and show them welcome and love. Jesus wants to bring an end to "us" and "them" thinking. To bring an end to wars that base on demonising the opponent and just separate people further.

So while you're at it, please pray for an end to the war in Gaza, and for people on both sides to strive for reconciliation and an end to the violence. Pray for an end to "us" and "them" thinking, and that the walls of hatred can come down, in Jesus' name. He reconciled us with God - so let us now aim for the reconciliation between people, between us and our neighbours, because Jesus did not only die so we can "go to heaven" - He died and rose again so we can live a new life, a life in His example, and I believe that needs to be a life without walls, a life without hate, a life of reconciliation with others and of love even for our enemies.

Mary mother of John Mark: Prayer of Faith

Acts 12:1-17

Praying without faith is like trying to cut with a blunt knife - much labour expended to little purpose. For the work accomplished by labour in prayer depends on our faith: "According to your faith [not labour] be it unto you." (J.O. Fraser)

Lord,
teach me to pray
the prayer of faith.

So often I ask,
not expecting to receive.
So often I leave loopholes
just in case you don't answer -
as if expecting
nothing will happen anyway.
Where is my faith?

As you answer my prayers
I see my lack of faith.
Why am I so surprised
when I see that you hear?
Why do I react in disbelief,
when what I've been begging for
becomes real before my eyes?

Lord,
teach me to pray
the prayer of faith -
to know that you hear me,
and that you are at work,
that you do the impossible
beyond my wildest dreams -
o Lord
teach me to believe.

_____________________________________________________________

[January 2013]

Peter was in prison, but was miraculously saved. Meanwhile, Mary and a group of Christians met in her house and prayed for him. They were so focused on praying that they got annoyed when the maid, Rhoda, disturbed them to say that Peter was just outside the door. They did not believe he was actually there!! "Don't bother us, we're praying" - meanwhile the answer to that prayer stands right outside the door.

How often do we pray but not really expect anything much to happen?

Picture from the Catacomb of Calixtus.

Daughters of Men: Withered

Genesis 6:1-4

"The sons of God saw that the daughters of man were attractive. And they took as their wives any they chose."

Trapped
in a forbidden embrace,
breaking a boundary
that should not be crossed,
captured
by a wrong desire
that should never have been.

You have taken me,
plucked me like a flower
so that I can wither
in your arms -
arms that take but do not give,
arms that wanted me
but never asked
what I wanted.

What was meant to be good,
a blessing from God,
is twisted to shame,
turns into pain,
becomes my cage -
because you came
and took me,
plucked me like a flower
to wither in the fire
of your wrong desire
that never really wanted
me
but only my beauty.

Like a bee you will move on
to the next and the next and the next,
taking all you choose
to fill your hunger
that never will be filled.
What was meant to be good
is overshadowed
by selfish lust
that destroys in my heart
all the love that I wish
so wish I could share -

all the love that has withered
in that forbidden embrace
that took without asking,
that took without loving,
that came from somebody
I thought I could trust.

Oh God -
Your world is withering away,
and we fall
deeper and deeper
into this mire
of wrong motivations,
of evil desire,
being hurt and causing pain,
seeking only our own gain -
if even angels fall,
what is the hope for us all?

And yet I will believe
that You are the gardener
ready to heal
and water this withered flower
to life again.

___________________________________________________________

[6. July 2014 - and it took almost all day]
I wrote two and a half completely different versions of this... = =

Gen 6:1-4 is one of the most confusing texts in the Bible (I think) and I sat studying it almost all day (and it's a rather depressing text to study).
Now first off: there's disagreement among theologians whether the "sons of God" in the text are (a) angelic beings or (b) descendants of Seth ("good guys" / loyal to God) who intermarried with descendants of Cain ("bad girls" / unbelievers).

I go with (a) because that seems much more likely (e.g. looking at the way "sons of God" appear in Job, where they are clearly angelic beings), and because I don't agree with the "good guys" and "bad seductive girls" idea. In fact, after studying it all day, I see this text as the beginning of sexual immorality, and a case of woman-grabbing. And if it was actually angels doing it, that makes it all the more dreadful. I understand the text in this way because the active ones are the "sons of God", not the women. All the women do is be beautiful - it's the guys who go and take "any of them they chose" - which sounds a lot like polygamy or promiscuity. Doing research I read somewhere that the Hebrew verb doesn't even necessarily imply marriage.

Genesis 3-11 depicts a world falling apart. Gen 3 there is the Fall of Adam and Eve: they lose trust in God, listening to the snake instead, and take the forbidden fruit, giving in to desires for greatness and being like God etc. Gen 4 we have the first murder: Cain kills Abel out of jealousy. Gen 6 then shows the beginning of sexual immorality: the good gift given by God being twisted into something bad and damaging. In Gen 6 man and woman are no longer in the kind of relationship described in Gen 2, a relationship of equality and supporting one another - it seems to me more like the women have been turned into objects. That is what sexual immorality is... ruining the relationship between woman and man, messing up the motives for being together, distorting what ought to be something good, so that it becomes a way to hurt each other and oneself.

Which is why in the poem I focused less on the forbiddenness of human/angel matches, and more on the abuse that was happening (though it's not as strong as in other poems of mine...). So I guess the poem might work even if you do not want to view the "sons of God" as angelic beings. Either ways, they are not "good guys"...

Picture: sculpture by Daniel Chester French.

Noah's Daughter-in-Law: Tears of God

Genesis 6:5-22

God -
I don't understand
this salvation of yours
that leaves me here in the dry
while outside people drown.
The door is shut
and I can hear them scream
and scrabble at the wood,
panicking -
while here I sit
as my world is washed away
with people I knew
and people I loved -
I don't understand.

God -
they say you are love -
so why this cruelty?
Why wipe all away
and destroy what you made?
Why so violent an end
to a world that once was good?
I don't understand.

But this rain falling down -
are these not your tears?
Tears of love and tears of pain
for the many who suffered
under human cruelty
that became too great to bear
for this earth,
and for you.

How cruel must we have been
for these tears to be so many
that they fall without end,
forty nights and forty days,
covering the mountains,
an unfathomable sea?
Deep as this sea
was our evil on this earth -
deep as this sea
was the suffering and pain;
deep as this sea
was your sorrow and compassion -
deep as this sea
your love in sparing me.

This rain falling down
is not your cruelty
but your love that cannot bear
the cruelty it sees below.
This rain falling down
is an answer to the cries
of the innocent whose blood
screams to you from the ground.
This rain falling down,
these are your tears,
drowning a world
too evil to remain.

God -
I don't understand
this salvation of yours
that rescues us, even though
you know it will happen again.
Your tears will fall,
again and again,
for the innocent who suffer,
as evil lives on -
but a rainbow spans the skies
as again and again
you give a new chance
to this broken world.

_________________________________________________________________________

[29. June 2014]

I have observed that certain people like quoting the many people drowning in Noah's day in order to make a point about God not being particularly loving in the Old Testament. So I decided to look into the question and here's the result...

What I think is very important for us to realise about God's judgement is that:
1. It is always fair,
2. It is about God standing up for those who suffer.

When God brings judgement over people, it is not out of cruelty or senseless anger, but out of love and compassion for the suffering, and bringing an end to human cruelty and evil. In the case of the great flood, the cruelty of mankind must have been pretty bad, for God to actually regret having created us at all! The main emotion of God that comes through in Genesis 6:5-22 in connection to the situation on earth seems to me to be not anger but sadness: "it grieved him to his heart." (v.7)

So at some point while thinking about this the connection between the rain and God's sadness popped up. We need to realise that God's judgement is not out of cruelty, but out of love for those who suffer under cruelty. God is not cruel - we are. One thing I heard someone say after one of the big natural disasters of the last few years was: in such situations, we should not be asking why God lets bad things happen to good people, but why God lets good things happen to bad people. Because even the people God saved in the Ark went on to sin more and do more cruel things. If we look at the world today, it is full of cruelty again! So shouldn't we be all the more grateful for all the times God spares us from the punishment we deserve?

Picture by Gustave Doré

More of the family: Mrs Noah

Sapphira: Not A Mite Would I Withhold

Acts 5:1-11

Take my silver and my gold,
not a mite would I withhold
- because all the others do it,
and it won't do to fall behind;
- because it's a good deed,
and gives us a good name;
- because no one will know
how much we withhold
as long as we say,

Take my silver and my gold,
not a mite would I withhold
- but isn't the cost too high?
isn't His cross too heavy?
isn't this asking too much
from us who must live
in this dog-eat-dog world
that revolves around money
and tramples the weak
who give and love and forgive
like He tells us to?

Take my silver and my gold,
(some of it at least)
not a mite would I withhold
(we know they must mean spiritually,
for in real life how could this be?)

But do not tell;
let them admire
a cheerful giver;
let them see
good Christians,
so committed
(aren't we?)
What's so wrong
with sneaking in the back door
and paying half the price
if no one knows
and grace is free?

Take my silver and my gold,
not a mite would I withhold,
not a mite,
not a mite,
no - more
but no one need know,
no one -

but you do.
And heaven takes no stowaways
who flee the cross
to come in cheap;
and it's too late now
to give everything,
because we withheld
ourselves.
       
_____________________________________________________________________

[20. June 2014]

Like other early Christians, Sapphira and her husband Ananias sold their property and donated their money for the Apostles to distribute to the poor and needy. What they did differently was that they kept a little bit for themselves - but lied and told the Apostles they were giving everything.

I think what's significant in their story is that they could have just kept their property - or just kept their money (v.4) - or even done half-and-half and honestly declared it. Why did they lie? I think their reason was a false motivation for giving in the first place. Maybe they wanted everyone to think they were giving so much, to admire them. Maybe they just wanted to keep up with the rest, and weren't really giving out of their own heart. Why keep the money? Maybe they were worried, maybe they thought giving a whole lot of what they owned would be a rather risky thing and not very realistic in the "real world" (stanza 2+3).

Sometimes being a Christian with all it entails, all the giving-up, the service to others, might not seem "realistic" or even "safe". Being "too nice" can get you in trouble, they say. It brought Jesus in trouble! But He wants us to take up the Cross, to follow Him (which actually means: learn from His example, do as He did), and sometimes - or even often! - that can mean doing things the world wouldn't find very sensible, and that involve giving up comforts we'd rather hold on to, or that the world tells us we "need". But taking up the Cross, paying the full cost of discipleship (obedience to Jesus), does not lead to deprivation but rather to gaining a lot more than we would otherwise lose. There is false security in money and possessions (and those other things that are hard to give up) - in God there is true security.

Sapphira's story is one of the spookier ones - since it all ends with her and her husband dropping dead. It's a pretty stark warning... and I think on the one hand it's a warning not to lie to God, not to attempt to hide things from God who truly sees everything. But on the other hand I think it's also a warning against hypocrisy: pretending on the outside, while not being willing to fully surrender and truly obey. Grace is free but it's costly. Costly because it cost God everything - He gave His Son, He gave Himself, to save us. We need to keep up our part of the deal by obeying - because faith and obedience are tightly interlinked. We aren't truly believing if we don't obey - and we can't truly obey if we don't believe (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship). We need to have the right motives for what we do - in Sapphira's case, it should have been to serve God and serve the poor, not give a good appearance and gain admiration for herself.

The guy-sneaking-in-the-backdoor sneaked in at the end; he's actually from Jesus' parable of the great feast (Mt 22:1-14). I realised he actually fits to this story...
And the line "Take my silver and my gold / not a mite would I withhold" is from the hymn "Take my life and let it be" by Frances Ridley Havergal. It just fit so I decided to fiddle with it a bit.

Mrs Cain: God-forsaken World

Genesis 4

They say that, not so long ago,
the world was young and beautiful,
the earth brought fruit, and work was joy,
there was no pain, no hate, no fear,
no guilt, no shame, no hiding away,
but peace, true peace,
and You.

But now I lie on blood-stained ground,
staring out into a void
of distant stars so pale and cold
in this god-forsaken world.

I carry his burden of guilt and shame,
as we move from here to there,
fleeing - from whom? - from you? ourselves?
from the blood on his hands -
afraid, alone,
in this god-forsaken world.

What are we now but helpless exiles,
trying to survive in a god-forsaken world,
conscience eating away inside,
nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
in this world made cruel by ourselves.
Where is the peace,
where are You -
is there no end to this curse,
this curse of our own making?

And yet
we're not forsaken
in this god-forsaken world,
for You show mercy still:
You guard us from falling
(if only we'd hear!),
You give us protection
(a sign on his brow),
You bless us to be
a creative people,
creative like You -
our Creator.
It is not hopeless yet.

Distant You seem -
hidden behind a veil
that I can't draw away -
but still You are there,
watching me,
guiding me,
speaking, wanting us to hear
Your words of mercy
that we don't deserve,
Your promise of peace
(just like before!),
Your breath that still
gives life to this world,
this god-forsaken world
that You have not forsaken
after all.

_______________________________________________________________________

[12. - 14. June 2014]

Cain (son of Adam and Eve) was the "first murderer": he killed his brother Abel, out of jealousy. Because when Abel sacrificed to God, God accepted the sacrifice - but when Cain did the same, God did not accept it. It doesn't say why, I also don't think it means Abel was the better guy and Cain had something "wrong" about him.

The interesting thing in the story is how God speaks to Cain. You see there is a relationship there, it's not like Cain isn't interested in God or God doesn't like Cain (in fact Cain cares enough about God's opinion that he gets frustrated when, to his eyes, God shows Abel preferential treatment). God in fact warns Cain not to give in to his anger and jealousy (v.6-7). Cain does not listen, however, and commits the first murder. God punishes him by sending him away from his family and his former livelihood (farming). There again we see the interesting relationship between God and Cain: Cain is afraid of being hunted down and killed for what he has done - and God, even while letting him feel the consequences of what he did, gives Cain protection by putting a mark on his brow that will keep people from hurting him.

If you look at the genealogy that comes after the story, you can see that Cain's descendants were a creative people: musicians and metalworkers.

So when writing about Cain's wife, I tried to imagine the "feeling" in a dark new world just newly fallen into sin, where there still was a living memory of Eden where there was peace and the nearness of God. Also I tried to capture the situation of Cain fleeing - partly also fleeing from his conscience - and his wife feeling with him and carrying his burden with him.

Of course the conclusion of all this is that, even though the poem is called "God-forsaken World" and Mrs Cain laments about the distance of God, God has not forsaken the world but still is here, still cares about the fate of humanity, and has a greater plan in store to bring everything right. Think about it: in Jesus, God Himself came down into this "god-forsaken world" and experienced all the pain of being forsaken when He died on the cross. God is not far away, but came right here among us, became one of us, and that way He has broken the curse that we brought on ourselves. So now what has been dividing us from God has been taken away; He is not distant but near, and if we believe in Jesus then He lives right with us and even in us, making us His temple - which if you read some of the Old Testament texts about the temple, is quite an amazing thing.

The hope that was there for sinners at the very beginning, in the time of Adam and Eve and Abel and Cain and his wife, has been fulfilled in Jesus. If the world was not yet forsaken then, then it definitely is not forsaken now - though we still wait for the completion of God's promise when He will make all things new, and the very last divide will be gone, and we will see God face to face. :)

Picture by Fernand-Anne Piestre Cormon. Picked it because it actually shows us Cain's wife!